fall

When I got home after a busy day on Saturday, I put Lorrena McKennit and old albums of Sigur Ros and Kings of Convenience in the cd player, lit some candles, and made chicken/vegetable soup and grilled cheese for dinner. I didn’t realize, until eating the soup, gazing into the candles, and listening to the melancholy music how nostalgic and somewhat sad I felt. In those moments, I started thinking, ambivalently, about fall.
I like fall a lot, actually – maybe more than any other season. But I don’t like what it leads to. The fact that fall leads to death (i.e., winter) prevents me from being able to fully enjoy the colors, the clean, crisp smells, and the dance of autumn. Those things, somehow, seem like a lie – meant to distract me from the reality of loss – the reality that everything is literally being sucked dry unto death.

How can I enjoy the dance of fall leaves when the “dance” is merely the last step before decay? The colors and the dance feel like the final seduction before a very serious betrayal. Why would I CHOOSE to enjoy the seduction of my betrayer?
The other side of the story to which I often feel little to no connection… What about the full circle of seasons? Although winter is cold, dark, and painful, it is not the end. Fall leads to winter, but winter leads to spring – a time for new beginnings. And what if the colors, smells, and dance of fall represent less of betrayal and more of a gift – light in the midst of darkness?

But all too often, the pain and dearth of winter seem like an eternal, inescapable, intolerable doom. Worst of all, it feels like winter, and I am barely on the brink of fall! I wonder how I will ever be able to tolerate this season with any level of true kindness and hope (that is to say, kindness and hope that do not deny the honest pain of loss.)