holy longing

With much ambivalence and a lot of skepticism, I just started reading The Holy Longing by Ronald Rolheiser. I actually picked up at least 10 other unread books about faith (both Christian & Buddhist) from our bookshelves before I landed on this one. I skimmed each one and usually read the first couple of paragraphs to see if I'd be able to stomach it. The first 9 books made my skin crawl - some more than others. But I was about 85% sold after reading the first few words at the beginning of The Holy Longing:

"This is a book for you if you are struggling spiritually. (Insert skepticism.) Teilhard de Chardin, who was both scientist and mystic, used to ask why so many sincere, good persons did not believe in God. His answer was sympathetic, not judgmental. He felt that they must not have heard of God in the correct way. His religious writings are an attempt to make faith in God more palatable for those who, for whatever reason, are struggling with it... [M]any good, sincere persons struggle today with their faith and with their churches..."

First, I like mystics, and find it easier to trust people who like and reference them. Second, and more importantly, I felt incredibly understood in Rolheiser's words here. He offers sympathy, not judgment. He assumes that I (the reader) am good and sincere. And that my goodness & sincerity don't conflict with the fact that I struggle with my faith and the Church.

In many books about faith, "This is a book for you if you are struggling spiritually" is often the big red flag that comes before, "You struggle spiritually, because you're a sinner & you refuse to give it to God." Hence my skepticism.

It's not that I don't think I sin or that the sin in my heart often keeps me from a deeper connection with God. I don't think I know anyone who thinks sin doesn't exist. They might give it a different name, but the premice is the same. It's just that I think 1) "sin" is a much more complex topic than that, 2) my personal sin is not the only reason that faith is difficult for me, and 3) I believe that my intentions are mostly good when it comes to my faith. I mean, I'm reading a freaking book called, The Holy Longing. I'm not doing that because of the sin in my heart. I truly and deeply want to connect with God and understand my faith and how it impacts me and others in my life. ALL of that to say, I like how Rolheiser started this book, and I'm eager to see where he goes.

The reason I'm reading this book (other than the sin in my heart, of course :) ) is that I'm basically desperate for huge mounds of hope when it comes to my faith. On an emotional level, my faith has felt like a dark hole more often than not in recent years. I've grown & learned a lot actually, but it takes more time for my emotions to catch up to my mind.

For now, I'll leave you with a few more of Rolheiser's beginning words that felt like the first couple of spoonfuls of hope that I'm pursuing:

"Hopefully, this book will... help make things of faith a little clearer, a little more acceptable, and a whole lot more hopeful. The hope too is that a bit of God's sympathy and consolation might seep through and touch you as you struggle with faith and church in a very complex time."

God's sympathy & consolation? Yes, please! The dark hole is getting really old and is certainly not sustainable.