30

From my journal on Feb 2:

In less than 2 weeks, I'll turn 30. Thir-ty. It feels so normal and timely in some ways but surreal and incredibly sudden in other ways. I've been conscious of approaching 30 for a couple of years - and especially mindful this past year. 30 feels like a mile-marker in life as all decades do. In many ways, I feel like a different person or, at least a very-changed person on this 3rd decade celebration.

Celebration is an interesting word. I feel celebratory and mournful as I look back at my 20's. They were full of exploration and adventure and also a lot of pain. I learned how to face myself in these years, and that is no small task. At first, it was terribly clumsy and painfully self-righteous. But eventually, I learned that while self-righteousness initially helped me leave a rigid system, it would also prevent me from fully seeing myself and loving those around me.

Now as I approach my 30th birthday, I'm realizing more and more the beastly courage and gentle kindness that enable me to look at my 30-year-old face & 30-year-old body in the mirror. It is that same Courage and Kindness that are beginning to teach me how to love others. If my 20's taught me how to face myself, it is my 30's that will likely teach me how to love. I'm eager, and I'm scared.

From my journal on Feb 11:

I enter
my 30th year of life today
via good food
and drink
and in the care
of a handful
of those closest to me.

I am not full
but content
on this day of entry.

I feel resolved
in the goodbyes
I've gradually and mindfully
offered to my 20's.
Much of me is ready,

and I've promised
the parts of me that aren't
that I'll wait patiently for them,
and in the meantime,
go back to visit them
as often as they would like.