confessions (not for the faint of heart)
At the root of my rage is Love & a Grief that has not yet learned to flow.
This sentence came into my mind with unusual clarity & precision a couple of weeks ago. I'm still chewing on it as I face the challenges that life seems to continual give me.
When it comes down to it, I feel helpless much of the time these days, and that is where my rage brews. It is truly amazing how much agony many of us face in our lives. (Insert "Debbie Downer.") The more pain & brokenness I encounter in my own life, the more in awe I am of people who have survived much more. I don't think things were meant to be this way.
Sometimes I try everything within my power to resolve and to get out of the circumstances that life gives me. I use food, the internet, TV, sex, God, people - anything that I can get my desperate hands on as a means of escape. But since that almost never works & indeed usually leads me down the exciting path of physical, mental, & spiritual deterioration... I'm learning new ways to face this difficult season of my life. I've told you this before, and I keep telling you, because it is an ever-present process...
I am learning to grieve. And by learning to grieve, I am learning to love.
More specifically, I am learning that my heart is bigger than I ever imagined it could be. A flow of grief stretches it each day to what I swear is beyond its capacity. And then, each new day, I discover that yesterday's flow of grief has merely expanded my heart to feel and sustain even more love & with it, more grief. It is honestly a grueling process and one that I likely would not choose to such an extent if the circumstances of my life weren't pushing me to do so.
Alas, this is where I am in this season. To be frank, much of life sucks & is hurting me right now as it does so many of us. And I am pissed about it a lot of the time. Instead of indulging or ignoring the rage, I am pausing, taking a deep breath, looking into the eyes of the patient, gracious people in my life, trying to open my heart & let my grief flow. It is not easy.
This sentence came into my mind with unusual clarity & precision a couple of weeks ago. I'm still chewing on it as I face the challenges that life seems to continual give me.
When it comes down to it, I feel helpless much of the time these days, and that is where my rage brews. It is truly amazing how much agony many of us face in our lives. (Insert "Debbie Downer.") The more pain & brokenness I encounter in my own life, the more in awe I am of people who have survived much more. I don't think things were meant to be this way.
Sometimes I try everything within my power to resolve and to get out of the circumstances that life gives me. I use food, the internet, TV, sex, God, people - anything that I can get my desperate hands on as a means of escape. But since that almost never works & indeed usually leads me down the exciting path of physical, mental, & spiritual deterioration... I'm learning new ways to face this difficult season of my life. I've told you this before, and I keep telling you, because it is an ever-present process...
I am learning to grieve. And by learning to grieve, I am learning to love.
More specifically, I am learning that my heart is bigger than I ever imagined it could be. A flow of grief stretches it each day to what I swear is beyond its capacity. And then, each new day, I discover that yesterday's flow of grief has merely expanded my heart to feel and sustain even more love & with it, more grief. It is honestly a grueling process and one that I likely would not choose to such an extent if the circumstances of my life weren't pushing me to do so.
Alas, this is where I am in this season. To be frank, much of life sucks & is hurting me right now as it does so many of us. And I am pissed about it a lot of the time. Instead of indulging or ignoring the rage, I am pausing, taking a deep breath, looking into the eyes of the patient, gracious people in my life, trying to open my heart & let my grief flow. It is not easy.
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