my help comes from the lord
I've had a rough weekend. My heart throbs & stings like raw skin that's freshly burned over and over. The slightest touch causes me to gasp & retract in excruciating pain. I've developed a thick, solid shell for protection.
I went to church this morning wearing my shell. I felt burdened by the weight of it & also guilty, because I have a voice inside me that equates self-protection with self-absorption - no matter how bloody and raw my skin is underneath. This voice sometimes pushes me to give much more than I have to give and generates copious amounts of guilty feelings. I know how misguided this thinking is, but the voice and the guilt are there nonetheless.
At one point during mass this morning, our priest invited us to pray a blessing over a couple in our church who is moving across the country. As I watched my female priest lay hands on & bless this young gay couple, I felt my body relax & my shell soften. I watched these two groups (women & homosexuals), historically oppressed by the church, give and receive love and blessings to each other, and I suddenly felt welcome & accepted for who I was. I could simply let all my messy feelings be in the room instead of fighting them or trying to control them.
My thick, protective shell was welcome. My guilt-ridden & judgmental feelings were welcome. My body was welcome. And more than anything, my stinging, raw skin and the countless tears that drenched it this weekend were welcome. Truly welcome. In a way that pauses... quietly... reverently..., not to save me from the muck, but to sit in it with me. My heart was opened to God this morning through the simple permission I was given to be myself. Oh, that is true holiness. That is Church. That is why I go. That is what allowed my stinging heart to receive deep comfort as we collectively prayed Psalm 121 this morning:
I look up to the mountains -
does my help come from there?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made the heaven and earth!
He will not let you stumble;
the one who watches over you will not slumber.
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
never slumbers or sleeps.
The Lord himself watches over you!
The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon at night.
The Lord keeps you from all harm
and watches over your life.
The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,
both now and forever.
I went to church this morning wearing my shell. I felt burdened by the weight of it & also guilty, because I have a voice inside me that equates self-protection with self-absorption - no matter how bloody and raw my skin is underneath. This voice sometimes pushes me to give much more than I have to give and generates copious amounts of guilty feelings. I know how misguided this thinking is, but the voice and the guilt are there nonetheless.
At one point during mass this morning, our priest invited us to pray a blessing over a couple in our church who is moving across the country. As I watched my female priest lay hands on & bless this young gay couple, I felt my body relax & my shell soften. I watched these two groups (women & homosexuals), historically oppressed by the church, give and receive love and blessings to each other, and I suddenly felt welcome & accepted for who I was. I could simply let all my messy feelings be in the room instead of fighting them or trying to control them.
My thick, protective shell was welcome. My guilt-ridden & judgmental feelings were welcome. My body was welcome. And more than anything, my stinging, raw skin and the countless tears that drenched it this weekend were welcome. Truly welcome. In a way that pauses... quietly... reverently..., not to save me from the muck, but to sit in it with me. My heart was opened to God this morning through the simple permission I was given to be myself. Oh, that is true holiness. That is Church. That is why I go. That is what allowed my stinging heart to receive deep comfort as we collectively prayed Psalm 121 this morning:
I look up to the mountains -
does my help come from there?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made the heaven and earth!
He will not let you stumble;
the one who watches over you will not slumber.
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
never slumbers or sleeps.
The Lord himself watches over you!
The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon at night.
The Lord keeps you from all harm
and watches over your life.
The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,
both now and forever.
Comments
Post a Comment