one

One year ago today, she came into this world and forever changed me.  

I want to do something or say something today that can reflect the magnitude and breadth of what I feel as the mother of Naomi Salome. Something that can mark the passion and bond that has been forged between us and that I drink like holy water every moment of every day. Something to mark and preserve this all-too-short, magical time in our lives together. But I know that no word, thing, or act can do this.

Instead of striving for the impossible, I sit quietly today and allow space to simply feel these moments. I sit in the center of heavy desire that is fulfilled at the same rate at which it grows. I have never felt anything like this in my life.

Tears stream down my face today as I feel, once again, the shadow of infertility from previous years. I can hardly breathe from the stark contrast between today's joy and yesterday's despair. I agonized for years - grieving and trying to let go of my lifelong dream of being a mother. To this day, there is part of me that cannot believe Naomi is here, and that she is mine. I cannot believe that my body was her home for nine months and that I birthed her powerfully and perfectly by the fire in our home. I cannot believe she nursed from my breasts for two hours straight after she was born and that we continue to share this profound bond in the most holy, delightful way. I cannot believe she is ONE and walking and coming into her own little being. I cannot believe I get to be by her side every step of the way.

After four years of infertility, I cannot believe it. And yet I can. Disbelief is the mask that hides the grief that will remain with me from now on. The longer I am with Naomi, the more pain I feel from infertility. I know that might sound confusing or backwards. But it's true. I was so close to not ever having her. The longer she is with us now, the more I am acutely aware of what we would have missed if we weren't able to have her.

I hold Naomi closer today and savor each moment. Then, I dig deep and remind myself to let her go and squeal with delight as I watch her toddle her way into this world and into her own being. Happy Birthday, baby girl. I love you. I'm so happy you are here.

One Month

 Two Months

 Three Months

 Four Months

 Five Months

 Six Months

 Seven Months

 Eight Months

 Nine Months

 Ten Months

 Eleven Months

 One Year