40+ Weeks

I'm now pregnant a couple days longer than I've ever been. Naomi was born one mere day after her estimated due date, and Starling is four days past his/hers so far. I feel less patient than I did waiting for Naomi's birth and definitely had my share of low points in these final weeks. But more often than not, I feel fine mentally - digging deep into my ninja waiting skills.

Mostly, that means planning and noticing every full or joyful moment as we sit on this short, sweet threshold. We are savoring all the things that are soon to be lost in exchange for all that we'll gain with this beautiful baby's arrival. In the near future, that list includes dates with my husband, movies, knitting time, sleep, and such. But we're especially savoring our time as a family of three and the luxurious amounts of one-on-one time we get with Naomi - something we're going to miss dearly and will never have again in the way we do now. 

Naomi and I, in particular, have done a lot of special things to mark this time together - baking, snuggling, massaging, and dancing. We took a dip in the warm birth tub waters that sat in our living room after a false alarm with labor last week. Naomi was in heaven for that particular, special event. (The tub is now empty and waiting to be filled again for actual labor.) A few weeks ago, we smeared mud on our bodies in the woods for a maternity photo shoot. You know - normal hippie things. ;) Most of those pictures are private, but I wanted to share the few that aren't. 

More than anything, as we wait for Baby Starling to join us in the outside world, I'm tuning into and soaking up the unity of our bodies. I feel strength, tenderness, and passion from this little one. I'm amazed that my body is capable of holding and expanding for the miraculous growth of this baby. I'm eager to see his/her face, to hold, touch, and smell his/her sweet little baby head. 

I've been taking lone, cool fall walks at dusk every night for the past week or so. While walking, I feel an intoxicating dance between Starling and my contractions. We ebb and flow together, beginning a conversation of attunement, connection, and love. Fear has certainly been present for me through this pregnancy in a variety of ways. But it is just fear. It's not Truth. And it's not Love. 

The Truth is that I have a strong, healthy baby growing inside me who I have dreamed about and prayed for a long time. The Truth is that it's hard to open my heart to him/her because I feel so much grief from losing two other babies. The Truth is that I have the strength and courage to open my heart to him/her despite my pain. The Truth is that grief makes my Love for this one even stronger when I choose to let it. That Love is indeed a kind that's more fierce and tender than any I have known. It is Love in the face of deepest fear and pain. It is the Love that drove us to conceive you in the first place, Little Starling, and the one through which I choose to bring you into this world. You are my miraculous, strong, tender soul. I love you. I am here, despite all fear, waiting for you in the Light. I cannot wait, my Love. 

Alas, here we are, 40.5 weeks full... and a little crazy.