remembering

I have had some restless nights lately, to say the least. Shadows creep in from ongoing grief, and my heart is disrupted by seemingly impenetrable darkness. We lost Sweetgum and Bumblebee (babies) at this time two years ago. It feels like it happened yesterday. The well of grief for them is deep and very present. In the midst of that, I return tonight to a beautiful blessing by John O'Donohue "For a Parent on the Death of a Child." His words are balm to my tender soul.

No one knows the wonder
Your child awoke in you, 
Your heart a perfect cradle
To hold its presence.
Inside and outside became one
As new waves of love
Kept surprising your soul. 

Now you sit bereft
Inside a nightmare,
Your eyes numbed
By the sight of a grave
No parent should ever see. 

You will wear this absence
Like a secret locket,
Always wondering why
Such a new soul
Was taken home so soon.

Let the silent tears flow
And when your eyes clear

Perhaps you will glimpse
How your eternal child
Has become the unseen angel
Who parents your heart
And persuades the moon 
To send new gifts ashore. 

----------------------------------

Meanwhile, I continue to find immense comfort in the gift of my children who are here and alive and well. I went on a fall hike with them this morning to a 70-foot waterfall. It was my first biggish venture with them on my own, and it was so sweet.

Of course, that's not to speak of the hour-long scream-fest that happened on the drive home from a tired baby boy. Sigh. But up to that point, it was glorious and peaceful and a reminder to me of the light that is in this world - even though it sometimes feels too far away.

Naomi: "Mama! I think I'll try to climb this big tree!"

Me: "Whoa. That's a big one. Ok, let's see!"

Naomi: (Grunts of effort while trying to scale it vertically. Then, a moment of good humor and resignation.) "Well, I don't think I can do it. But I think a bear can! And probably a tiger."

  

 Ragamuffins

Jethro: "Look, Mama! I got a rock! I did it. I did it. I got a ROCK!"

 Sleepy-eyed baby. The calm before the storm.

I miss you, Sweetgum. I miss you, Bumblebee. I wish you could have been with us at the waterfall today. You would have loved the rush of water, spraying on your faces, the cold, wet, river rocks and sand between your fingers, and the ongoing shenanigans of your sister and brother. I miss you. I love you so much. 

love, 

your Mama