Firefly

Right before death's darkness set in, there was light. It was the tiniest, most beautiful light, and it came from the core of my beloved baby Firefly.

We conceived Firefly six years ago. But we had to wait five years before we were able to bring him/her home. S/he waited for us in a freezer in Nevada, but all of our hearts stayed warm with the hope, light, and the fire that we knew was in our sweet Firefly. In September, we brought our baby home in my belly where s/he has always belonged. I felt Firefly warming within me for about a week, and then things went quiet. A few days later, I got a negative pregnancy test.

Silence.
Death.
Nothingness.

I couldn't breathe for weeks. My beloved baby and all the dreams I had grown for our lives together over the past 5 years of waiting... All of it, gone. In an instant.

In the days leading up to our reunion with Firefly, I listened over and over to Elizabeth Mitchell's version of This Little Light of Mine. It was "our song" and it became my call to let my hope for Firefly live in this life and in the next. 

Dear Firefly, 

I miss you, sweet baby. If your beautiful body would have made it through those early days, you would be 39 weeks old in my tummy right now. Or you might have even been born already! I so wish you were here, my love. My heart is so sad that we cannot be together. I have your special candle lit tonight and will keep it burning every night this week as I remember you and pray for you. I pray that our Mother God is keeping you safe and warm with your siblings Sweetgum and Bumblebee.  

No matter what, I am your Mama, always. I love you, always. I cannot wait to see your sweet baby face and feel your warm skin next to mine when we are together one day. I love you. I carry you with me every day, my love. I cannot wait to see your sweet light shining when we are together again. 

love always, 
Mama