Rising Again

As I recover from a first trimester of constant nausea and vomiting and a season of dense grief, I'm emerging on the other side with the sweetest, most unexpected baby growing inside of me. There is space to hope and celebrate now that I haven’t had in a long time. There is also space to reflect on the hell that we just endured.

The five months between losing Firefly and conceiving this baby left me in the deepest existential crisis of my life. In conceiving this baby, I felt instant relief from acute suffering, but the deeper crisis within me is ongoing. I don't want to trick myself into thinking it's not. 

All that I really know is that it hurt so unbearably much. And the pain forced me to go to places within myself and with God that I never imagined. They were not happy, miraculous places. They were Gethsemane places - where one sweats blood and is certain that s/he will die there. I didn't die, but instead clung to any ounce of compassion or tiny thread of hope that I could find.

One of those threads was the healing voice of Peia Luzzi. I listened to Machi on repeat every single day for months. Machi gave voice to the unspeakable depths of my pain and soothed me with nature and the hope of healing. I needed to feel understood, validated, and solidarity.

Eventually, I encountered days when I needed to go beyond the muck of grieving and into hope for my future. On those days, I wept and sang from the bottom of my desperate lungs We Will Rise Again. I didn't totally believe the words of this song at that time, but I wanted to. I needed to. Living without hope is like living without oxygen, so I let Peia hold hope for me while I sang, cried, and prayed for mine to return. 

"There is no time.
And yet in the end, 
All be restored
to wholeness, 
my friend.

We will rise again...

Hallelujah, Hallelujah..."

I long for the day that all will be restored, and I get to be with all six of my babies together forever. Six! For now, I will sink into Peia’s healing songs and let myself overflow with gratitude that I get a taste of that vision now in this life. Pregnant. Naturally. After all we have gone through and the degree of emptiness that I thought we'd have to endure for the rest of our lives. What a ridiculous gift. All will be restored and is being restored, now. Hallelujah ~